Here Is Gone
by reinfleche
Summary: Spoilers up to volume 12. Second person PoV. The AU where Marco lives and joins the Survey Corps and Jean dies.


_(__For shamera's To The Moon contest. Prompt: ____But when I'm gone …who is going to watch over us?' _Title was taken from a Goo Goo Dolls song with the same name.)

The call comes in for the rookies. That's you and the remaining 104th squad, you don't know what to expect but it's apparently a cleanup from the breached Wall two days ago. Some Titan spitup in a back alley somewhere. You haven't seen Jean around lately and when you ask around, it seems like no one knows where he's gone. It's Armin who ends up seeing Jean first and while he tries to deter you from getting any closer, it's already too late. Jean's body is half-eaten and ugly but you'll never admit it.

He doesn't get much of anything in terms of a funeral. Some rites are read and his body is burned to make sure nothing gets contaminated, his parents are given a letter composed primarily from a template. Everyone else is quiet as his body turns an ashen black. You're shaking and if Jean were there he'd probably be laughing his head off at you for getting sentimental. Deep down, he was always a horrible cynic like that. He probably smiled as he was eaten, thinking 'this is what was going to happen to me anyway, better now than later.'

You don't know what possesses you to choose the Survey Corps over the Police Brigade, revenge maybe? Some deep-seated need to get even after all the suffering they've put you through (put Jean through) but you've never had a mean bone in your body. No, something inside of you has died. Something inside of you has changed and you can't go back to the way it was when Jean was still alive.

"The world is cruel," Mikasa says as she puts a hand on your shoulder and you don't ask her for an explanation because you understand.

Both Armin and Mikasa take you under their wing. Secretly, you wonder if you're some sort of substitute for Eren. His whereabouts are unknown, classified to anyone not directly involved with the Special Operations Squad. You decide not to take their kindness on, it's better to have pity over nothing. Together, the three of you make a strange combination, both you and Armin are cautious and friendly. Mikasa's-well Mikasa, same as she always was.

There's a bizarre incident that gets everyone talking in your base: two Titans that were chained and bound for experiments are killed in cold blood. Everyone's in an uproar over it, some agreeing with the mysterious assassin, others shaking their heads at such a callous crime. There's a warrant out for the killer, everyone is forced to bring their gear in to be inspected. Even the higher-ups aren't exempt from it.

They use the dining hall to hold the inspections, everyone places their gear on the long tables as the officers make their way through all the vertical maneuvering gear. They comb over every little detail of it looking for blunted edges, anything that will give the culprit away.

You suspect Annie's taken Jean's gear. It's not hard to speculate, you know it's his gear because he was your friend. He could've been something more but there are too many could'ves, would'ves, should'ves these days. The person running the investigation barks questions at you. You stay silent, instead Armin says it for you. He's already deduced as much when he sees your eyes widen at Annie's gear but he doesn't make a big show of it. Nobody believes him.

When you meet up with Eren again, it's bittersweet because he doesn't know all that's happened, all that's changed. Armin and Mikasa are happy to see him and when he sees you there, he's surprised and confused. You explain to him (as calmly as you can, reminding yourself it's been a month at least) that Jean's passed away and you're here for personal reasons.

He looks like he's about to ask why but Mikasa glares at him so he keeps his mouth shut, heads back to wherever he was before he greeted you. After Erwin's talk three quarters of the people you thought knew what they were getting into are gone. Their resolve and their courage with them, you wonder if you should've gone with them but then you think of Jean's body being burnt, the insincere letter given to his parents and you stay right where you are, beside Armin and Mikasa.

Your mission is to plan a supply route through the Titan's Forest. That's all the information given to your little squad and your squad leader is just as in the dark as you are but he smiles reassuringly. The mission starts off slow but quickly escalates with the appearance of a Female Titan who decimates everything in her path save for Armin, his enitre squad is gone and you don't even want to think about what would've happened if you and Reiner hadn't intervened.

Reiner keeps shooting you looks like he can't believe you're really here.

"It should've been you, I don't know what she was thinking," he mutters to himself.

Armin comes up with a plan to stop the Female Titan. He tells you and Reiner to pull up your hoods and distract the Female Titan from advancing too far. When he falls and starts babbling non sense you know he's distracting her for you to strike. You don't have it in you, Jean could've made a clean swipe and still been intact. You're slow but he's counting on you, so you pull yourself together. Aim yourself to the top of the Female Titan. It's a close call if Reiner hadn't launched himself at her, she heads to the opposite direction and Armin looks completely haunted by the change in her behaviour.

The mission still continues on despite the heavy loss of causalities. You're standing on top of a branch Armin, Reiner, Bertolt with you. You try to talk to Armin about his encounter and he says to you rather cryptically that now's not the time to talk about these things. When the orders are given that the mission is over, Armin pulls you close like he's afraid Reiner or someone else will hear.

What he says sends a shockwave throughout your entire body: 'Annie is the Female Titan and she killed Jean for his gear.'

This time the information is relayed to the higher-ups. A whole plan is concocted to coax Annie out. You replay what you're going to say to her again and again and again until you're not even sure anymore if it's happened or not.

_Annie why?_

_Because I never liked Jean._

_Because he was in the way._

_Because I hate the sight of you being happy._

_Because I wanted you to live._

In the end, you don't get any answers because Armin thinks you're a good stand-in for Eren. But he sees how much Jean's death weighs on you so he says he'll try to confront Annie but he's not making any promises it'll turn out smoothly. And it doesn't, when it's all over they've lost more people and are no closer to finding the answers. Annie's encased herself in crystal, Reiner and Bertolt are branded traitors (Ymir too but for a completely different reason).

(If you could have just one wish, you'd wish to take Jean's place because Jean was far more honest, far more aggressive than you could ever hope to be.)


End file.
